the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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