So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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