so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
