I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
