you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize