is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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