I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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