You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
