I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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