I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
