i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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