Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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