I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
