did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
