You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
