Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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