Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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