I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
