You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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