i need an iv and a liver transplant
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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