I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
