Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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