I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
