i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
