Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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