in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
