from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
