No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
