and you said cock pushups were impossible
Michael Bay diarrhea
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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