If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
