just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
