so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
