Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
