Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
