It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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