Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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