i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
