So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
