I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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