she looked like the before picture.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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