Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize