i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
