I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
