so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
do herpes really smell.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Randomize
