Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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