Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
