You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
