the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
