God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
