i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
