My hair reeks of homosexuality.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
