i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
