I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
