I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
