If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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