girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
