trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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