Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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