i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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