Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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