I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
